Bark, Bark!
by Nerosthebest05
Summary: I turned Near into a dog! No pairings or fluff, just slobber concerning Linda. If you like Linda don't read this. R&R plz!
1. Practical Joke

Mello: *is walking back to room eating chocolate. DUH!!!*

Matt: *playing video game*

Mello: I wonder if Near is coming back to his room.

Matt: ...

**_Flashback_**

Mello: Did you bring the catapult?

Matt: *wheels in roommade catapult which is the size of a 50X50 cm box*

Matt: Finished it in workshop.

Mello: Great!

Me: Mello and Matt fill the spoon bit of the catapult with flour and tie it so the when Near opens the door, the flour AND 50-kg catapult falls on him.

Mello: !!!!

Matt: o_O

Me: Near, your surprise is set and ready to go!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mello and Matt: WHAT THE F*****??? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM???

**_Presses "STOP" button_**

Mello: HEY! When were our lives ever controlled with a REMOTE??

Me: Since I started this non-humourous story, so follow the script or I can kill you with a meteor.

Mello: HMPH!!

Me: Ok... BACK TO THE STORY!!!

-~-

Me: Anyhow, Matt and Mello are hiding in the doorframe of their room, 'cos Near's room is next to theirs.

Mello: SHUDDUP!!

Me: Anger management. Sheesh!

Matt: *headlocks Mello in attempt to stop him from wringing my neck*

Matt: Come on Mels, he's paying us, remember?!

Mello: Oh right... -_-

Me: Shut it, Near's coming.

Me: Matt and Mello are watching Near very intensely.

Mello: Any moment now.

Matt: ...

Me: He's just in it for the money.

Matt: THAT IS NOT TRUE!!! *Mello is staring at him suspiciously* Uhh.. *hides dollar bills in pocket*

Me: Near's opening the door... (and I know Near is my second-favourite character, but I'm in it for the pleasure of stealing his toys.)

Near: *opens door* ??? *catapult and flour come down straight on his head*

Me: I swear I heard something snap.

Matt: *goes over and pokes Near* I think he's dead.

Mello: That's not Near, that's... wait, what the??

Me: HAHAHA!!! I CHANGED THE FLOUR!!!

Mello: GREAT!!! Into what?

Matt: THIS PWNS!

Me: Changing powder. (man, this answer is overused)

Mello: And the effect???

Me: Turns the victim into a dog. *victory dance*

Matt: Huh?

Me: The first three witnesses to the scene, in this case us, can tell what Near is saying. It sounds like barking (DUH!!) to everybody else.

Mello: What's it made of?

Me: Uhh... remember when all your stuff went missing??

**_Flashback no. 2_**

Mello: WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE??

Near: Have any of you seen my toy robot?

Me: *laughing evilly in background*

**_Presses "STOP" button_**

Mello: So you stole my chocolate?

Near: And my toy robot?

Me: Wait, Near SAID something?? *everybody looks in Near's direction*

Matt: All I see is a Malteser... or whatever you call it.

Me: A Maltese dog, idiot.

Matt: *tries to strangle the somewhat-but-not-very-innocent me*

Mello: Oh noes.. o_O

Me: *wrestling Matt to the floor with a headlock* What?

Mello: Linda's coming down the hall.

Matt: I thought this was the boys' dorm!!!

Me: The girls get to go where they want, remember. Just another sign to show people think girls are more perfect than boys.

Linda: *runs over* OMG WHAT'S EVERYBODY LOOKING AT??

Me and Matt: Ohnoes.

Mello: *rubs hands together evilly like mad scientist* Oh boy, this is gonna ROCK!!!

Linda: *squeals* OMGOMGOMGOMG!!! WHAT A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY!!!!!!!!!! *heart shapes popping*

Near: Uh oh.. *pales violently*

Linda: *squeals nonstop until all the windows in Wammys' House shatter* COME HERE, LITTLE SWEETY PUPPY!!! YOU'RE ALLL MINE!! YOU MEAN BOYS CAN'T TOUCH HER!! SHE'S MINE!! !!!!

Near: I'M A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mello: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahahaahahahahahaha!!! What will Linda do to torture Near??  
I slapped this together out of sheer boredom. It's meant to be funny, but it's not. I am such a pathetic writer. All disgusting girlyness contributed from my VERY VERY HELPFUL (can you hear the sarcasm?) sister!


	2. Lipstick and Maltese Dogs

As we all know, Near is a dog, and he is currently being slobbered over by Linda. *insert evil laugh text here*

Near: HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 0_0

Mello: LOL!!!

Matt: *plays PSP game- Tekken 5 Dark Ressurection*

Me: Dude, Linda. You suck.

Linda: *does not hear*

Me: The remote settings say that everybody can see AND hear me.

Mello: Darn.

Matt: Darn. I lost to Devil Jin.

Me: Stop staring at that high-def screen and pay attention. I'm paying you to be in this lousy fanfic. *swipes Matt's PSP and tosses PSP out window*

Matt: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SAVE!!!

Me: My dog ate my PSP and I didn't even get a chance to save. My buddies said that I deserved the PSP being eaten and I never got one again. I shall steal another one. =D

Me: And now we shall escape this ugly scene. *runs*

Mello: Come on Matt. *drags behind*

Matt: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SAVE!!!

Me: *is in Matt and Mello's bunkroom* Why are there chocolate wrappers in the pillow and dusty games under the mattress?? I thought all Wammys' orphans had to be asleep by 12 midnight, and bedime is 11:59!!!

Matt: Uhh...

Mello: Uhh...

Me: Sure. "Uhh..." is the only word in your vocabulary. Anyhow, I think that we stay in here until Linda has finished torturing Near, then I can work out some kind of cure for this...

Mello: NOO!!! DON'T CHANGE HIM BACK!!

Me: I bet it's cuz you'll probably torture him too, then throw him out the window and be arrested for animal cruelty.

Mello: *lower eyelid twitches* Can you read minds??

Matt: *mourning his game* WHY DID THIS TRAGIC INCIDENT HAVE TO HAPPEN??? WHY????????????

Me: Get over it, you have the exact same game.

Matt: BUT IT'S ON NINTENDO DS!!!

Me: So? I'll get Phoenix Wright to replace Dark Ressurection.

Matt: BUT THAT'S TOO EASY!!!!!

Me: Better than nothing, bub.

Matt: o_O

Me: And now, after about 10 hours, we shall go outside and find Near. *goes out, dragging Matt and Mello*

Mello: I don't see him anywhere.

Matt: What's that pink fluffy thing over there?

Me: It's Near. Linda must have put him in one of those yucky pink ballerina dog dresses.

Near: *sob*

Mello: *snaps photos* I can blackmail Near for the rest of his miserable life with these!!!

Me: He's wearing lipstick, and all the yucky things Linda uses to make herself look nice. I think it makes her look even more stupid than she already is. *shivers*

Near: HELP!!!

Matt: *shoves under bed*

Near: It's dusty down here!!!

Matt: Your fur's all wet and dripping!!!

Me: I bet Linda and her gang of disgusting sissy girls must have slobbered all over him. Eww...

Matt: Linda's a jerk.

Mello: Lol, Near will be a grey puffball tomorrow!!!

Me: Shuddup and let me think of a cure.

Mello: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *wears earplugs while formulating a "plan"*

Matt: *climbs into bunk* This is the first time I actually sleep. Wish me luck guys!!! :D

Mello: zzzzzzz.....

Me: WHY DO I HAVE THE FLOOR??? YOU DON'T MOP IT AT ALL!!!

Mello: zzzzzzz.....

Matt: *shivering uncontrollably in a nightmare* No... no... save the PSP somebody!!!! SAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Uhh...

Near: Help!!

Me: *digs Near out from under the bed* You're all grey and dusty.

Near: I hope you don't have a dust mite allergy.

Me: No. Just dust BUNNIES.

Near: ... o_O

Me: *pulls out box from cupboard* Here. Sleep in this.

Near: Uhh... *jumps into box to prevent any further mental damage* Ok.

Me: *closes box and stuffs back into cupboard*

Near: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Me: And now to formulate the... *drops to ground* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I'm a evil jerk who falls asleep before I can get any work done!!! Any guesses what the cure is? R&R to answer plz! =D


	3. The Blueprints

Still working out a cure in the middle of sleeping and workin... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Me: I HAVE WORKED OUT A CURE!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOO!!!!!! GO ME!!!! *victory dance*

Mello: SHUDDUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt: *rocking back and forth whispering madly to self while trembling uncontrollably*

Mello: Basic video game deprivation.

Me: .... o_O

Mello: This is only Stage One. You don't want to see Stage 100.

Me: * cold shiverr*

Near: Let me out of the cupboard!!!

Mello: *kicks cupboard. HARD* MY FOOT!!!

Near: AHHHH!!!!! EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *lets Near out of cupboard and shakes him out of the box* Congrats, I has finds a cure for you. (I lika talking like that.)

Near: *is half stuck in box* Great... but first, explain how it is made.

Me: Why do you think I said it's a secret? T^T

Near: You never said-

Me: Shuddup.

Mello: Matt and I have our tests to attend so IF YOU DON'T MIND!!!!!!! *drags Matt off the bunk, which was at the top, btw*

Matt: *still shivering*

Mello: *kicks Near out the door in the process of pulling Matt to the classroom*

Near: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! LEMME BACK IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *closes door* It oughta be fun to steal Mello's chocolate and Matt's secret stash of games and throw them both to my vicious pet chicken... they might kill me for it... WHO CARES?!?!?! *throws out to chicken*

Vicious Pet Chicken: RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *clobbers games*

Me: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

V. P. C: *pecks chocolate and goes hyper, attacking the Wammys' orphans*

Random Orphan No. 1: MY SOCCER BALL!!!!!!

Random Orphan No. 2: MY BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *realizes something* Matt's games were the cure...but what the heck... *sits on his mattress* Boy, this here mattress sure is lumpy.

Matt: *falls into room still shivering, only this time sooo fast you ca barely see him*

Me: Why aren't you at the test???

Mello: We got F's. *

Me: SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus, give this to Matt. *hands Mello Dissidia Final Fantasy PSP game* This oughta stop him shivering like that...

Mello: *waves in front of Matt* Where's my chocolate?

Matt: *recovers and snatches game out of Mello's hand and starts playing* Where are my normal video games?

Me: *points out window*

Matt and Mello: %^$##%(*(*()*&^^%#$!#%$#$$^#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rugby tackles chicken*

V. P. C: CLUCK!!

Matt: GIMME MY GAMES!!!

Mello: GIMME MY CHOCOLATE!!!

Me: *blows whistle that appeared out of nowhere* ONE TO M&M, NONE FOR CRAZY CHICKEN!

Near: HHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh riiiiiiight.... *goes to window* Uhh... Matt? Mello? You might want to see this...

Matt and Mello: *looks in direction I'm pointing* Uhh...

Me, Matt and Mello: *sees Near being dragged into Linda's room like some monster out of a horror movie* ... o_O

Me: OK, who wants to get him now? *no hands* What about later? *hands*

Mello: We better arm ourselves. Rumors say her room is 100% pink...

Matt: Rumors??? Why can't we just attack now and bash their heads in?

Me: Uhh... I was thinking along the lines of attacking at night with water guns and balloons. Also, if we kill Linda and her roommates, we get arrested for child abuse and murder.

Matt: Don't waste your potions on her roommates, they're just her minions. We need to get to the final boss with at least 55 potions.

Me: POTIONS??? Does he always talk like that??

Mello: Always happens when we initiate an attack.

Me: TO THE BLUEPRINTS!!!!!!!!!!!! *disappears*

Great!!!! Sorry this chapter was so short. Really, under 700 words!!! I feel sorry for myself... BOO HOO!!!  
Next chapter- Operation Attack Linda!


	4. Hitman

I am a dummy and I need to get information through my thick-as-10000000000000000-mile-deep-concrete skull. Or better yet, as thick as the Earth's crust, but multiply that by and you get the picture. All that self-esteem destruction because I didn't name this chapter the right name, so Operation Attack Linda is chapter 5. Argh. I know that this chapter WAS meant to be O.A.L, but I needed to introduce BB,

Anyhow, to the story at last. Introducing a new character. Give me some thoughts whether to introduce L in the coming chapters or not.

Me: I have ideas to get Near back from Linda!! Whoa yeah!! And in under FIVE MINUTES!!!!

Mello: Shut up. It's been five DAYS. I could come up with a better idea in TWO days.

Me: PROVE IT!!!!!

Mello: FINE!!!!!

Matt: SHHHHUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTT UUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: ...anyway, my idea involves... uhh...

Mello: Yeeeeeeesssssss???

Matt: Yeeeeeessssssss???

Me: *whispers* Beyond Birthday.

Mello and Matt: WHAT??? THAT CRAZY JAM-EATING-L-IMPERSONATING-CRAWLING-OUT-FROM-UNDER-BEDS FREAK*????????????????? WHY????????????????

Me: Weeeeellllll, he could kill Linda and her pink-obssessed roommates for us. That makes the whole thing much MUCH easier...

Mello: I like the killing part.

Matt: But Beyond probably doesn't like pink very much...

Me: Ok... where does Roger keep him?

Mello: Downstairs in the basement.

Matt: Upstairs in the attic.

Me: I bet Roger cut him in half and concealed the halves upstairs and downstairs. I say YOU guys go look for him while I stay safe and comfy in your bunkroom, away from that crazed serial killer, without any chance of getting killed...

Mello and Matt: NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *ignores* ...while you guys run the extremely high risk of being killed by BB, especially Mello...

Mello: WHY ME???

Me: Cuz you narrated the story*, stupid.

Mello: Sooooooooooo??? I offered him my condolences, didn't I*????

Me: Yeah, but I don't really think he's such a grateful fella. *strokes chin thoughtfully*

BB: *appears out of nowhere* Shut your piehole. I am a very grateful person.

Mello: Damn.

Me: I guess Roger hides you under the floorboards.

BB: It's very dusty down there, but I know secret paths all over this stinking orphanage. I shall use them to my advantage one day... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt: *cold shiver* I guess we can use these paths to get into Linda's room...

Mello: I BET that's how Linda gets into the boys' dorms.

Me: Bet Roger thinks girls are more perfect than boys.

Mello: Are not.

Me: Are too.

Mello: Are not.

Me: Are too. *continues*

BB: Uhh...

Matt: I think we should get prepared right now. What do you think, uh, RUE RYUZAKI? HA!!!!

BB: *icy glare*

Matt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

BB: *jumps on Matt and tries to throttle*

Matt: AIR...

Me and Mello: LOL!!! *grabs video cameras*

Mello: This is gonna get so many YouTube hits!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt: *turns purple*

BB: *crazy grin*

Me: Can we get back to the actual subject of getting Near back, rather than this?

Mello: What? You started it with this stupid fanfiction!

Near: HEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mello: I thought I heard a caterpillar cough.

Me: I bet they put him on the rack.

BB: Whatever. Can we get started???

Me: Heck no. You need to show us these PASSAGES first!!

BB: *sees horror movie* Huh. Paranormal Activity. *inserts disk and sits down to watch*

Mello: *smashes BB in the back of his head with gun*

BB: *does not move*

Matt: *kicks BB*

BB: *still does not move*

Me: I say that we leave BB alone to watch that movie while we do all the EXTRA IMPORTANT WORK... ahem...

Matt and Mello: What?

Me: Oh, like all the important planning, all that jazz. BB here is the assassin. He does all the bloody work. Paranormal Activity might make him more violent.

Matt: Why would you want him to be violent?

Mello: Yeah! He's violent enough as it is!*

Me: Cuz I don't like Linda. Nor pink. Nor torturing my second favourite character. Nor-

Matt: OK, that's enough.

Mello: But we might just fail...

Me: You ain't seen nothing yet.

Mello: Prove it.

Me: YOU prove it.

Matt: *plays Crisis Core*

*- The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases. It's a spinoff by Nisio Isin, because L mentioned it in the original story. You know, with Naomi Misora??? As for the violent bit, mutilating corpses by squishing their eyes or chopping limbs off, well, consider that violent. At the end, Mello says "Accept my condolences, B." because he feels sorry(?) for BB because he failed miserably. If you own the book you would know what I'm ranting about. Truthfully, you really have to feel sorry for the guy.

Me: Damn, this chapter sucks. Everything is becoming all cheesy now. o_O

Mello: HEY!! SHUDDUP!!!


	5. Operation Attack Linda

OK, this is the chapter everybody has been waiting(?) for. Should I end the story now, or not? Oh, who cares... apart from the readers, of course.

Me: So, by adding the odds of Linda, coming in at the wrong moment to the likelihood of BB mysteriously dying right before we attack, and if I multiply that by the likelihood of us being captured and tortured squared, I should get...

Mello: ENOUGH WITH THE F**KING SCIENCE SPEAK ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BB: Anybody got jam?

Me: We can attack tonight.

Matt: Not tonight... I just bought a Sora action figure and I really wanna play with it tonight... *daydreams*

Me: OH YEAH?! I HAVE A ROXAS LIMITED ACTION FIGURE I ORDERED LAST WEEK!!!

Matt: OH YEAH?!

Me: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

BB: Shuddup!!!

Mello: GET TO THE POINT!!!!!!

Me: I did. It was the fourth line in this chapter.

BB: He's right.

Me: Lol, I even got the serial killer on my side, so I can kill you all! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mello: Uhh...

Matt: Uhh...

BB: Got a time machine?

Me: Sure. Press the Skip button here: (SKIP)

Mello: THAT'S NOT A BUTTON!!

Me: Is too. Anyhow... *presses button*

**SKIP TILL THE IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY**

Matt: Damn! The Sora action figure factory blew up! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Stop whining!!!!

BB: Can we just go already?!

Mello: Not till I packed emergency chocolate! *packs 10000000000000 chocolate bars into tiny bag*

Me: Wow, magic...

BB: *jumps through window and runs across yard*

Me, Mello, Matt: *follows*

Matt: I thought you said there were tunnels!

BB: Roger found them and filled them up.

Me: LOL. XD

Everybody: *climbs through Linda's bedroom window*

Everybody: #^%&*b$&*#^%&#^$(&$($&( THIS ROOM IS PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Linda's Room: *shines with disgusting pink*

Linda's Roommates: OHNOES!!! INTRUDERS!!! *squeals in fright*

BB: DIE! *whips out knife and stabs people... nah, just kidding. He got a butter knife.*

Roommates: *run around room squealing*

Everybody except BB: MAKE THEM STOP!!!!!!!!!!

Linda: *wakes up* Wha..?

Me: Gosh, you're a heavy sleeper.

Matt: THE BOSS MONSTER HAS AWAKENED!!!!!

Me: OK, that's just stupid.

Matt: YOU'RE stupid.

Me: Don't talk to yourself like that!!!

Matt: GASP!!!

Mello: *leans back on shoebox and eats chocolate*

Near: GET OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mello: :O

Me: You heard the weird dog. Get off the shoebox. *swipes box and opens lid* MY EYES BURN!!!!!!!!

Near: *sob* *is wearing one of those pink dog ballet dresses, complete with makeup and tiara*

Matt: That's just wrrroooOOOOOOOOOnnnnnggg.

Me: *jumps out window with shoebox and runs back to room*

BB: *kills everybody and follows* *shirt is all red*

Mello: Dude, you seriously killed them?

BB: Who's gonna stop me?

Matt: Hey, our room is on the second storey...

Everybody: *stops and looks up at window*

Me: I didn't think about that...

Mello: Oh s**t.

Me: Luckily, I'm the author and not really part of the story, so... *teleports up to room*

Matt: What about me?

Me: *somehow brings Matt and BB up*

BB: *takes jam out from under bed*

Matt: *plays game*

Mello: What about me?!

Me: You're a Mafia member. Go find out yourself. *slams window and locks it*

Mello: *to self* He's evil... :(

Me: What was that?

Mello: RAWR!!!

BB: You're random.

Matt: Hooray! I got a Lelouch figure instead!!! :D

Me: ...anyhow, a coupla lines earlier, what WERE you actually doing, BB?

BB: Well... I did kill them...

Matt: Intentionally?

BB: What do you think? *points out window at funeral service in yard*

Linda: We... uh, well, actually I, gather here today to commerate my beloved roomates, who tragically died at BB's hands, blah blah blah...

Mello: *storms in through door with gun pointed*

Me: What took you so long??? HM?!?

Near: Forget him!! Remember ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mello: *lower eyelid twitches*

Me: Lol, Mello's not mellow!!!

Mello: *itchy trigger finger twitches like MAD*

BB: ...

Matt: *whips out DS from pocket and plays*

BB: ...well, since you MADE a powder, you SHOULD have also worked out a CURE...

Me: Ack.

Near: What?

Me: I threw out the cure.

Near: *orz*

Me: Oh well, the effect SHOULD wear off in about 10 years or soo...

Near: WHAT?????? TEN YEARS?!? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE TILL THEN???

Me: You could hide in a box for ten years.

Near: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU *censored*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mello: Watch the language.

BB: Look who's talkin'.

Mello: D:

Me: I can almost see the steam coming out of your nostrils and all that jazz. XD

Matt: LOL.

Near: AHEM!!! BACK TO ME!!!

Me: Rawr, fine, NEAR. I, the only smart person here, only two surpassing my intelligence L and BB...

Mello and Near: HEY!!!

Me: ...shall work out the cure.

**TIMESKIP!!! HOORAY!!! XD**

Me: Near oughta be grateful to me and BB.

BB: *eats jam*

Me: Obviously, I have worked out the cure.

Mello: *appears out of nowhere* No shit, Sherlock. *disappears*

Near: *is still in box* Well? What are you waiting for?

Me: Uhh... well... let's see here... uhh... *rummages through bunch of bottles*

BB: XD

Near: Why do you have so many RANDOM things?

Me: Dunno. Now, I have here exactly 25 different thingies, only one will be right. Well, you're not getting any more Maltese-dog-thingy-whatever, so...

Near: No. Wait.

Me: *tips first bottle down Near's throat*

Near: *explodes into.......... an ant*

BB: Oh snap. How are you gonna make an ant drink/eat/ingest something waaay larger than himself?

Me: *floods Near with second bottle*

Near: *turns into sheep* Baa.

Me: Living up to the fangirls' view of you, I see. Now for the next one. This is fun!!! =D

**TIMESKIP AGAIN BECAUSE I'M LAZY***

Me: We are now down to 3 bottles.

Near: *twitching weirdly on floor*

Me: Bah humbug. *makes Near EAT the next bottle*

Near: *turns into a spider*

BB: XD, an albino spider.

Me: NEXT!!!

BB: *forces next bottle down throat*

Near: *turns into a table lamp*

Me: You sure are a bright one. NEXT!!!

BB: *lazily throws bottle at Near/Lamp*

Near: *short circuit, then back to his normal hair-twirling self*

Near: HOORAY!!! I'M ME AGAIN!!!

Matt: *comes into room* Roger just told me that you have missed 50 exams, so you will have to study for them all over again.

Near: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XD, END!!! I WILL MAKE YOU R&R, OR I WILL THROW BASEBALLS AT YOU!!!

*- Here's the list of stuff Near turned into:

a. Ant

b. Sheep

c. Parakeet

d. Printer

e. Dog

f. Stereo

g. Llama

h. Snail

i. Mouse (as in the computer mouse)

j. Shower timer

k. Whale

l. Tortoise

m. Paintbrush

n. Wii MotionPlus accessory

o. Cat

p. Ostrich

q. File (as in clearfile)

r. Elephant

s. Handkerchief

t. "The Emperor's New Groove" DVD**

u. Reindeer

v. Cushion

w. Spider

x. Lamp

y. Near

**- I watched this recently at a friend's house, which explains all the bottle ideas, doesn't it?

TO END ON A NICE KIND NOTE- I hope you enjoyed this Fanfiction, please R&R and leave nice comments, or you will have either very very VERY bad karma, Kira will kill you or a llama will spit in your face.

Light: Hey, I never agreed to that!!!

Me: Says YOU!!!

Light: *checks piece of lined paper which "eerily" resembles Death Note page* Is that YOUR name written on this sheet, spelled: (NAME WITHHELD FOR MY PARANOID PURPOSES)

Me: *breaks out in cold sweat*

Matsuda: WOOHOO, NEW WORD LENGTH RECORRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!! *party poppers*

BB: HAND OVER YOUR STRAWBERRY JAM!!!


End file.
